Follow up...

Oh my stars.

I am completely overwhelmed at how many wonderful people I have in my life. I cannot even begin to express how much all of the love and comments and support that came from my last post mean to me. As I read through sweet comments and messages and emails last night and this morning, I cried at how truly thoughtful everyone was, and today, I have the eye bags to prove it! So thank you all, so so much.

And just in case I wasn't wordy enough last night (I was, but pretend I wasn't), there are a couple more things that I realize now that didn't come out terribly clearly, or that I want to add. The first of which is that when I said that I wanted people to be aware, I didn't necessarily mean to be aware of me. Instead I meant that I wanted people to be aware of this struggle. I know that I am not alone in this journey and that there are other girls that have been through much more or have spent more time than I have on this road. My heart goes out to every single girl that has ever wanted to be a mother or wants to grow her family and been frustrated by situations that are out of her control. Infertility is often fought as a silent battle, as the result isn't something that happens, but rather something that doesn't happen. And all of the battle wounds and scars aren't visible because they are on your heart. I wanted these girls to have a voice, because it is certainly not something that I gave much thought until it was a trial of my own.

The second thing I want to say and make clear, is how much I love my life. I have been lucky and blessed enough to have an open mind about this. I have seen how the frustrations that I mentioned above can make women very bitter and angry, and hate anything to do with mothers and hate all people that have ever had babies. Bless their hearts, they are going through a lot, and nobody can blame them for being emotional about it (especially since we are likely all on VERY high doses of hormones that might make us a little wacky). I have been asked the same questions, if I hate when I see other women get pregnant, if I am mad at or jealous of them, if I want to bomb abortion clinics (okay, I've never been asked THAT), and the answer to it all is always a solid no. While, of course, I wish I had my little sweetheart baby in my arms or shoot, in my belly, and while when I was making my life plan 5 years ago, I planned to be pregnant with my second baby by now, I'm blessed with an increased knowledge of an eternal scheme of things. I'm blessed with an acute awareness of the many many blessings I already have. I'm grateful that anger or feelings of life not being fair have not consumed me, and while I will get frustrated, I still realize that perspective is everything. So to end, or perhaps begin, I'm going to list a few blessings that I thank our Heavenly Father for on a very daily basis. I mean, it is the month of November, is it not? It wouldn't be right to not have a thankful list.

I have a husband that I adore and love to no end, and our marriage and relationship is more solid and amazing than I could have ever imagined. Philip is supportive and helpful and kind. He is always concerned about my physical and emotional states, and works hard to make sure that we are comfortable and that we will have a long and happy life together. And let's not forget, he is the donor of some pretty amazing genetic material. Our kids will be so lucky to have him for a dad.

I have my family, oh goodness, do I have family. My siblings are an incredible source of happiness for me, and spending time with them and their perfect spouses and children is one of my very favorite things in this world. I am also so so blessed in the in-law department. Philip's sisters have made me one of their own, and are some of my favorite friends. And to be the favorite sister-in-law, whether by default or not, puts a smile on my face constantly. Our parents have given us everything and more than we ever needed, and have been the perfect examples of the kind of parents we want to be when we do have our little bambinos. All of our family have fasted and prayed in our behalf, they have given advice and support and sympathy, have offered service in any way possible, and one even gifted us with tiny strappy gold sandals, saying, "Here's to wishful thinking." They are the best, and I love them all so very much.

My testimony of the truthfulness of the gospel is growing daily. I know I said it in yesterday's post, but cannot say enough about how much feeling the love of our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ mean to me. I know that if I continue to have faith in His plan, remain true to the covenants I've made in the temple, serve and love others, and do the things that I know will let the Spirit remain with me, I will always be happy. One of my very favorite scriptures in the Book of Mormon is Mosiah 2:41 that says, "And moreover, I would desire that ye should consider on the blessed and happy state of those that keep the commandments of God. For behold, they are blessed in all things, both temporal and spiritual; and if they hold out faithful to the end they are received into heaven, that thereby they may dwell with God in a state of never-ending happiness. O remember, remember that these things are true; for the Lord God hath spoken it." I love the gospel. It makes me happy.

I have a great job, and work with people that I trust and enjoy. I am so thankful that I decided on hygiene all those years ago, because even though I didn't think I would like it, and even though I didn't think I would even use it for that long, I have been proven wrong in both cases. I very much enjoy it (most days, don't ask me about the abundance of poop breath I've had to deal with lately), and am grateful for a low-stress, well-paying job. I'm also grateful for the extra time we've had to make huge progress on paying off our student loans and better securing our financial future.

I'm grateful for a really good and caring doctor. My fertility specialist is actually my neighbor, as in, I see him at the neighborhood Halloween party and Easter breakfast. It is awesome and seriously not even weird, because he is just THAT nice. He has been great, and has genuinely shared in the highs and lows we've experienced. I'm so thankful that he decided that he wanted to go to a million years of school so that he could help people start their families. I'm grateful also that his office is contracted with our insurance and makes all of this a little easier to manage financially. I'm grateful that our insurance will cover a portion of fertility treatments, and that I finally met my deductible for the year in September. I'm grateful that we have the means to pay for these treatments and realize that that, in itself, is a huge blessing.

I'm grateful for our home and the joy I have spending time here. Yes I'm mad at our rye grass that is refusing to be as pretty as I want it to be, and yes our trees need to be trimmed in the worst possible way, and yes we have empty rooms and not enough furniture, but it is MY ugly rye grass and trees, and MY empty rooms. We are very comfortable, and we were so fortunate to be able to buy our house at a very good time. We love our neighborhood and our ward, we love being close to family and being able to have a place where everyone can fit, and extra rooms to host our family when visiting from Utah or Louisiana, and the ones in Alabama are always welcome too. :) We have been very blessed with our good jobs that allow us to have things in our lives that I realize are a luxury.

You see? How could I ever be anything but so happy with what I have? I love my life, I love my husband, I love my family and job(ish) and the many many things I've been blessed with. So yes, while a baby (or six) would bring me joy that I can't comprehend at this point, I'm not waiting on them to be happy. I'm happy now. Thank you all again for making it a little easier to do so.