Fall fun and photo dump...a bit late.

I love fall. Is that a surprise to anyone? And I took a lot of pictures of it throughout the months. So, let's introduce to you the months of September and October.

First up, my little entry way table got decorated for the spirit of fall. I used all things that I already had and was fairly pleased with the result. I took a picture mostly so that I could remember what it looks like next year so I can do it again.

On October 3rd, our nephew Desmond left on his mission! His farewell talk was great, especially given that he had a solid 35 minutes to give his talk, and not quite that much talk to give. :) He is now serving in Retalhuleu Guatemala and according to his very proud mom, doing very well.

This year was the first year that we went to the Relief Society Broadcast without my mom, which was kind of weird to not got back to the Pueblo Stake center that night, but Aly, Sara and I made it work, and met up with Natalie for dinner afterward. It was a good time. It is always a good time. It is a highlight of my year.

So one night I had the brilliant idea of going out and raking a bit in the backyard at dusk when it wasn't terribly hot. I had been assaulted by mosquitoes a few weeks before, but didn't think to put on bug spray AGAIN this time, since I was only going to be out there for just a little bit, and I would be moving around the whole time. My logic wasn't terribly sound, and as I was raking, and then pulling weeds, I kept feeling mosquitoes on me. At one point I looked down at my leg and there were THREE at one time sucking the life  out of my legs. After coming in I realized there were lots of dots on my legs, which a day later, turned into 70+ bites on my legs. SEVENTY! Pictures really don't do it justice, I looked like a leper. Note to self, use bug spray. Genius.

In the fall we decided that we should go camping with our friends, and then we learned that our friends have a family cabin, which is an even better idea! So we took a little weekend jaunt up to Pine, AZ, which was absolutely wonderful.

The cabin was great, but even better was the GIGANTIC swing set there. I was in love. On one side it had regular swings, on the other side it had tire swings like the one in my Grandpa Huber's backyard growing up, and it made me happy just looking at it.

I ended up not taking any pictures until right before we left, and even then it was just of the little families, and I was too late to get the Dickersons. But what wasn't pictured, was our awesome dinner with steak and chicken prepared by Michael, tons of sides and goodies, unbelievable amounts of roasted marshmallows consumed by me, games late late at night, and a terribly uncomfortable bed for Philip and I. But hey, it was warm enough, and we had so much fun with our friends.

The cute Cooks

The Petersons, minus their two boys that were busy exploring.

The Rays, who are the ones that graciously offered Tyler's grandparents' cabin.

A couple weekends later, my parents came to visit! It was such a fun filled weekend. We started with a dinner at Jake and Natalie's house, were Marissa decided to be SUPER pretty. :)

All of the kids playing a game that involves some cheek pinching and a little slapping, and lots of laughs. I love just sitting back and watching them all play together.

Brynn is the sweetest little lover and always wants to snuggle with everyone and spend as much time with her Grandpa and Grandma as much as possible.

Cute girlies.

Despite Chase's smile, he was actually just screaming. He's a little bit of a punk.

Oh these kids are cute.

The following day, we played at my house for an afternoon. Owen was super ecstatic about the cars in the toy room. And he just woke up, and has Jones wake up face which I love.

The kids found a butterfly outside, which was terribly exciting.

 

 Caleb and Marissa

Aly and Mom

 Rissa, Brynn and Mom

 

 After everyone left from an afternoon o' fun, we did a little yard work. My dad scalped my yard while I edged and used the blower, and my mom trimmed all hedges. The next morning we went over to Sara's and did the same.

Then I planted my rye grass, and had no clue that it would be such a depressing year for my grass that just isn't as pretty as I want it to be. But having my parents here for a weekend brought so much fun and excitement, I was sad to see them leave but it made me all the more excited to have them come visit for Christmas.

On another random morning, Philip was out cleaning the pool and opened the leaf trap thing to find a gigantic frog in it! We had no idea what to do with it, I had suggested calling our neighbors with 4 boys and giving them a pet, but Philip didn't want to.

So we opted for the gutter instead. So long gigantic frog!

So remember that Central Christian church used to do awesome fireworks for 4th of July and then stopped a few years ago? Well this year they decided to bring them back for a fall festival, and we sat in Sara's driveway and enjoyed the show.

Cutie Oakley

Jason, Sara and Kev, Oakley and Philip. Nicole was sweet enough to stay inside with Owen and the twins, who were running in circles plugging their ears and crying that they didn't want "fireboxes." Little weirdos, who doesn't like fireworks?!

And with cooler weather, we officially enter homemade doughnut season. Sara and I made some on a chilly Sunday night, and within 5 minutes of finishing them, they were gone. We LOVE fried food!

The day before Halloween I ran to Costco and grabbed a variety pack of candy. I wasn't going to open it, but Philip decided that we just needed one. Well, since I have absolutely no self control, I ate a green Laffy Taffy, and then another 17 or so. My thought was, if I eat ALL the green ones, no one will ever know they existed in the first place...RIGHT?! No, not right, it was not a good idea.

Have I mentioned that I love my neighborhood? We have a giant neighborhood Halloween party with tons of food, bounce houses, games for the kids, and then a "circle of candy" which pretty much replaced trick or treating in the neighborhood. It is such a fun night, and I have such great neighbors.

Our friends the Fillmores are a little bit nutty when it comes to Halloween, and this was the rig they drove to the party. Yes, that is a skeleton holding tiki torches. And you better believe that they have a full blown haunted house in their house every year. They are the funnest ever.

And last bit of Halloween, my entryway table again. I love to dress it up, and just how much glitter there is!

So remember how we love our little neighborhood Mexican place, Salsa Cabana? Well we go there A LOT, and the owner/cook saw us come in one night, and asked if Philip wanted to try a little chili that he had pulled out of a little zip lock bag. Philip said it wasn't too bad at first...

...but made everything that his tongue touched feel like it was burning his mouth off. Lesson learned, don't take a chili out of a baggie from a Mexican. It made for some fun pictures though.

And hooray! That was the Fall of 2012! It was a fun time, even if it took me way too long to get it documented. Stay tuned for other fall and winter activities!

Follow up...

Oh my stars.

I am completely overwhelmed at how many wonderful people I have in my life. I cannot even begin to express how much all of the love and comments and support that came from my last post mean to me. As I read through sweet comments and messages and emails last night and this morning, I cried at how truly thoughtful everyone was, and today, I have the eye bags to prove it! So thank you all, so so much.

And just in case I wasn't wordy enough last night (I was, but pretend I wasn't), there are a couple more things that I realize now that didn't come out terribly clearly, or that I want to add. The first of which is that when I said that I wanted people to be aware, I didn't necessarily mean to be aware of me. Instead I meant that I wanted people to be aware of this struggle. I know that I am not alone in this journey and that there are other girls that have been through much more or have spent more time than I have on this road. My heart goes out to every single girl that has ever wanted to be a mother or wants to grow her family and been frustrated by situations that are out of her control. Infertility is often fought as a silent battle, as the result isn't something that happens, but rather something that doesn't happen. And all of the battle wounds and scars aren't visible because they are on your heart. I wanted these girls to have a voice, because it is certainly not something that I gave much thought until it was a trial of my own.

The second thing I want to say and make clear, is how much I love my life. I have been lucky and blessed enough to have an open mind about this. I have seen how the frustrations that I mentioned above can make women very bitter and angry, and hate anything to do with mothers and hate all people that have ever had babies. Bless their hearts, they are going through a lot, and nobody can blame them for being emotional about it (especially since we are likely all on VERY high doses of hormones that might make us a little wacky). I have been asked the same questions, if I hate when I see other women get pregnant, if I am mad at or jealous of them, if I want to bomb abortion clinics (okay, I've never been asked THAT), and the answer to it all is always a solid no. While, of course, I wish I had my little sweetheart baby in my arms or shoot, in my belly, and while when I was making my life plan 5 years ago, I planned to be pregnant with my second baby by now, I'm blessed with an increased knowledge of an eternal scheme of things. I'm blessed with an acute awareness of the many many blessings I already have. I'm grateful that anger or feelings of life not being fair have not consumed me, and while I will get frustrated, I still realize that perspective is everything. So to end, or perhaps begin, I'm going to list a few blessings that I thank our Heavenly Father for on a very daily basis. I mean, it is the month of November, is it not? It wouldn't be right to not have a thankful list.

I have a husband that I adore and love to no end, and our marriage and relationship is more solid and amazing than I could have ever imagined. Philip is supportive and helpful and kind. He is always concerned about my physical and emotional states, and works hard to make sure that we are comfortable and that we will have a long and happy life together. And let's not forget, he is the donor of some pretty amazing genetic material. Our kids will be so lucky to have him for a dad.

I have my family, oh goodness, do I have family. My siblings are an incredible source of happiness for me, and spending time with them and their perfect spouses and children is one of my very favorite things in this world. I am also so so blessed in the in-law department. Philip's sisters have made me one of their own, and are some of my favorite friends. And to be the favorite sister-in-law, whether by default or not, puts a smile on my face constantly. Our parents have given us everything and more than we ever needed, and have been the perfect examples of the kind of parents we want to be when we do have our little bambinos. All of our family have fasted and prayed in our behalf, they have given advice and support and sympathy, have offered service in any way possible, and one even gifted us with tiny strappy gold sandals, saying, "Here's to wishful thinking." They are the best, and I love them all so very much.

My testimony of the truthfulness of the gospel is growing daily. I know I said it in yesterday's post, but cannot say enough about how much feeling the love of our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ mean to me. I know that if I continue to have faith in His plan, remain true to the covenants I've made in the temple, serve and love others, and do the things that I know will let the Spirit remain with me, I will always be happy. One of my very favorite scriptures in the Book of Mormon is Mosiah 2:41 that says, "And moreover, I would desire that ye should consider on the blessed and happy state of those that keep the commandments of God. For behold, they are blessed in all things, both temporal and spiritual; and if they hold out faithful to the end they are received into heaven, that thereby they may dwell with God in a state of never-ending happiness. O remember, remember that these things are true; for the Lord God hath spoken it." I love the gospel. It makes me happy.

I have a great job, and work with people that I trust and enjoy. I am so thankful that I decided on hygiene all those years ago, because even though I didn't think I would like it, and even though I didn't think I would even use it for that long, I have been proven wrong in both cases. I very much enjoy it (most days, don't ask me about the abundance of poop breath I've had to deal with lately), and am grateful for a low-stress, well-paying job. I'm also grateful for the extra time we've had to make huge progress on paying off our student loans and better securing our financial future.

I'm grateful for a really good and caring doctor. My fertility specialist is actually my neighbor, as in, I see him at the neighborhood Halloween party and Easter breakfast. It is awesome and seriously not even weird, because he is just THAT nice. He has been great, and has genuinely shared in the highs and lows we've experienced. I'm so thankful that he decided that he wanted to go to a million years of school so that he could help people start their families. I'm grateful also that his office is contracted with our insurance and makes all of this a little easier to manage financially. I'm grateful that our insurance will cover a portion of fertility treatments, and that I finally met my deductible for the year in September. I'm grateful that we have the means to pay for these treatments and realize that that, in itself, is a huge blessing.

I'm grateful for our home and the joy I have spending time here. Yes I'm mad at our rye grass that is refusing to be as pretty as I want it to be, and yes our trees need to be trimmed in the worst possible way, and yes we have empty rooms and not enough furniture, but it is MY ugly rye grass and trees, and MY empty rooms. We are very comfortable, and we were so fortunate to be able to buy our house at a very good time. We love our neighborhood and our ward, we love being close to family and being able to have a place where everyone can fit, and extra rooms to host our family when visiting from Utah or Louisiana, and the ones in Alabama are always welcome too. :) We have been very blessed with our good jobs that allow us to have things in our lives that I realize are a luxury.

You see? How could I ever be anything but so happy with what I have? I love my life, I love my husband, I love my family and job(ish) and the many many things I've been blessed with. So yes, while a baby (or six) would bring me joy that I can't comprehend at this point, I'm not waiting on them to be happy. I'm happy now. Thank you all again for making it a little easier to do so.

It is what it is.

We're trying to get pregnant. There, I said it. It has been a long road, and it hasn't been easy. And I'm still not pregnant. I was once, but not for long, and that's a post for another day when I'm once again feeling a little bit brave/frustrated and/or gutsy enough to post that. Or maybe tomorrow. We'll see. Anyway, that being said, several months ago my sister Alyson sent me the link to a blog where a girl posted about her trial with infertility. When I read it, I wanted to hug her, and shout "AMEN!" and cry for her all at the same time. I was relieved to know that I wasn't alone and was amazed to see how clearly she was able to describe what it is like, living with infertility. And then I started adding to her list in my brain, and then I started writing down what it has been like for me. And before I knew it, my list was kind of really long.

I didn't think I'd share this, and truthfully, am still nervous about doing so. I am not doing this as a cry for sympathy because that isn't going to change anything. I think more than anything, I want people to be able to just be aware. And though this post may seem kind of like a downer, and let's face it, this has been quite the little trial for me, I also want to share how much I have learned from it. I have learned a lot, I feel, but the thing that sticks out the most to me, is that I have completely and totally learned how much my Heavenly Father loves me, and is aware of me. I've learned that the atonement is in place so that I can be comforted by my Savior, Jesus Christ. I've learned that showing love, and receiving love is the easiest way to feel better about anything. And I've become so grateful for all of the love that I have in my life.

So, all that being said, here's a picture of pretty cherry blossoms, and a little insight into my life.




Infertility as I know it, and as I've experienced it:

It's what you think about constantly, CONSTANTLY, though your thoughts are less optimistic every month. It's all of the possibilities and impossibilities that are forever running through and being spelled out in your mind.

It's the fact that it's nobody's fault and there's nothing "wrong" with either of you, but still feeling a little broken. And blaming yourself for things not going right, thinking, "If only I had..."

It's wearing waterproof mascara on days you find out you're not  pregnant, because you might be fine, but you also might break down crying at any given moment.

It's buying diapers at Costco every time there is a coupon, hoping this box will be the one that isn't given as a gift.

It's the adorable Mickey and Minnie dolls that were bought in 2009 for the future babies, that are still sitting in the closet.

It's people trying to relate, and giving terrible reasons on how they "know how you're feeling."

It's people that, whether or not they can relate, still somehow manage to say exactly what you need to hear, that you will repeat to yourself time and time again.

It's not being able to sleep at night because TOMORROW is the day you find out if you are pregnant! And it's knowing that tomorrow could be the day that everything changes, but then learning that everything will stay about the same.

It's looking at your cute husband with his dimples and dying to know if your babies will have them too. And will they have his brown eyes or your green? And his curly hair or your straight?

It's remembering when you would say you would have six kids in six years, and realizing it is now likely an impossibility.

It's feeling guilty about the years that you didn't want to get pregnant. Guilty that you didn't want to be a newlywed, poor student, and mom all at the same time. Guilty that you like working and making money. Guilty that you take vacations in the meantime.

It's wanting to shout from the rooftops that you're trying and have been for ages.

It's telling your friends and family when you first get started with treatments, not realizing that every disappointment would then be multiplied by the number of people you told. Not realizing that your heart breaks a little more each time, and how hard it is to always deliver bad news. Not realizing that you would feel so vulnerable every single time. Not realizing that no matter how many people you tell, you still feel very alone.

It's counting time by two week increments. Two weeks until the next procedure, two weeks until you can find out.

It's recognizing how blessed you are and feeling selfish praying and asking for just one more baby-shaped blessing.

It's splurging at Christmas because it's your last as a family of two. And then again the next year. And again this coming year. And so help me if next year too.

And speaking of Christmas, it's not just wanting a baby but wanting a full blown family of 15, because holidays  are way more fun with kids involved.

It's wanting something so badly that seems forever out of reach.

It's being a planner, and realizing and learning the hard way that you are not in control. And it's not knowing what to plan anymore.

It's friends that get uncomfortable around you because they are afraid you'll come unglued when they announce they're pregnant, or trying, or not trying but getting pregnant anyway.

It's learning to be truly happy for others and their sweet families that are growing, even though your situation couldn't be more opposite.

It's scheduling appointments without asking what it will cost, because frankly, it doesn't matter, you'd do it anyway.

It's shots and pills and very specific timing.

It's wanting to punch people when they suggest anything. "Have you tried an ovulation kit?" Uh, yeah genius, about 16 of them.

And of course it's people saying, "Once you stop trying, then it'll happen." As if you would ever stop trying to become a mom, the one thing you've been sure that you wanted since you were born.

It's using the term, "bypass the cervix" and knowing what that means. And that your uterus is a common topic of discussion.

It's going to kids' birthday parties and feeling like others' lives are flying by, and that yours is at a standstill.

It's buying a house to grow into, only for the future nursery to stay vacant for years.

It's wanting to know what it feels like to love something so perfectly and indescribably.

It's wanting a baby, your own baby, to know how much it is already loved.

It's hoping. But trying not to get your hopes up.

It's frustrating. But trying to endure.

It's scary. But trying to be brave.

It's heartbreaking. But nothing.

It's knowing that God loves you and is aware of you, and that this will all be worth it someday.

It's wanting "someday" to be now.